


Jared's Wasteland Journal Part 1 - Sanctuary

by ToastedRoach



Series: Jared's Wasteland Journal [1]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Anal Sex, Bed-Wetting, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-Typical death scenes, Diary/Journal, Dirty Underwear kink, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Self-Pity, Sexual Fantasy, Staring at dead bodies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-02-07 10:07:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 11,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12838920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToastedRoach/pseuds/ToastedRoach
Summary: This story bases on hand-written notes made during playing the game which can cause some unexpected jumps and confusion. But anyone who has played Fallout 4 should be familiar with the setting and characters.In the beginning Jared is terrified of the new world and misses his lover very much. This is the first of 4 parts and completes the first chapter of Jared's new life, ending with him leaving the old home and his old life and starting again. Each chapter consists of one day. Jared makes spelling errors and sometimes doesn't get the names of places or objects right. His writing style and personality change a little bit every time he's angry or high.There's not much graphic sexual content except in last chapter. Everything else is tagged. If I forgot something feel free to leave a comment and let me know.





	1. Foreword

Foreword

My name is Jared Bell and I was born in a small rented apartment in Concord in April 2043. Dad was a Boston boy, mom a California girl. I never understood what they saw in each other or what made mom stay after all the shit dad put her through. Her parents were considered wealthy. Just not wealthy enough to support us. Dad's parents lived in Quincy, close enough for me to spend every summer there. They were retired and grandpa used to tinker on a couple of old trucks. He tried to make them run on a cheaper fuel, like steam or moonshine. He taught me how to use a wrench. At home dad spent every evening at the pub wasting his paycheck. In his opinion if he earned it he had the right to use it and he didn't give a shit about his family. What an asshole.

Mom told me I was born with legs first. A neighbor lady assisted in childbirth. Mom was laying on her back on the bathroom floor and Mrs. Collins grabbed my feet and pulled me out. She'd give me a good swing to get the muck out of my lungs – just like they did to newborn calves. The first thing I did was start crying. I wouldn't stop. It was late at night so mom put her hand over my mouth to smother the sound. She wrapped me into a towel, cleaned herself up and went back to making sandwiches.

She was a tough lady I guess. Dad worked the quarry and you gotta be tough to handle a man like that. Mom sold sandwiches to Mrs. Collins' bakery to keep us in bread and butter. It was never enough though. I grew up a hungry kid.

I didn't like Concord. Mom didn't like it either. The town was full of men like dad who worked the quarries. Every evening they would come marching home and fill the pubs and fight and harass women. Mom would have me come inside and stay in my room until dad finished his dinner and left. I ate with mom, in silence, and then she dropped me at Mrs. Collins' place and went to work on the streets. A miserable life.

A few times we would visit mom's parents on the West Coast. Dad never came with us. He didn't want mom to leave home. Every summer I went to see dad's parents in Quincy. They were always nice to me and I could eat as much as I wanted. They bought me comics and grandma made cherry pie. They took me and mom to Nuka World opening and we spent there a whole day. It was the happiest day of my life. I was real sad when they died in '52. Many people did. Dad was sent to Mexico before the plague hit and then to Alaska. He was angry when he came home on holidays. He wouldn't say why but he never went to the pub anymore and drank his beer at home and yelled at mom and me.

I was real naive back then. All kids were. When Red Menace came out I would beg on my knees for mom to buy it. She wouldn't. She said it was made by the military to drill kids and we would all be sent to war. She cried when she said it. I ran out and punched a younger kid because I was so mad at mom. At night she would shuffle around in living room and cough. I borrowed the game from a friend and played it anyway. Mr. Collins had a terminal and he let us use it.

'55 was a cold year. Mom was sick a lot. The doctor said there was something in her lungs. Made little sense to me since I had to quit school and find work and become a man and no-one wants to do that when they're 11. First I tried the quarry but they said I was too skinny and weak. They took Pat Anderson though and he was just as skinny as me. Maybe it was because of dad. People talked that the reason why he was called back to the army was some secret project. All I knew was that he drove supplies from Anchorage to a military base. That's all mom ever told me but what would you tell a little kid anyway...

On my 12th birthday I got a job offer from a guy named William who worked in sewer maintenance. He was big and tall and really strong and I always looked up to him when I was little, but apparently being big wasn't always great and he needed someone to crawl into shafts he couldn't reach. He said I didn't need to be strong to help. I could sleep in his room down in the maintenance basement, he'd give me food so I could save all my earnings. That time, 5 cents a day sounded like a fortune and it took me a while to realize he paid me out of his own funds and only gave me a job because he liked me and wanted to help. It must've been tough for him to live underground and hide. He got great along with us kids, helped us climb the biggest trees and pick cherries and repaired our toys. And he was nice to mom, but he wasn't nice to other women and there was talk.

Mom didn't want me to take that job and we had a fight. One of many really. She needed cough syrup and we had to pay rent and me working was the only option. Guess she didn't want me to learn bad habits, but William was my friend and I desperately wanted to get out of that house.

William and his buddies took me in and treated me as an equal. They appreciated my work and it felt great. Part of the job was pest control. I learned to lay and disarm traps and use a bobby pin to pick locks. Sometimes people wouldn't give us a key to their basement or sewer access and still wanted to get rid of the pests. If some preserves and beer went missing we could usually blame it on the rats. Mom wanted me to quit the job so bad she promised to take me to Nuka World again. She went back to work despite being sick but I didn't care much about kiddie stuff like that anymore. Maybe if she had loved me more and given birth to me in a hospital and gotten herself a proper job instead of making sandwiches and selling her body, maybe I wouldn't have resented her so much.

Dad came home in a box made of Alaska pine when I was 14. It was an accident they said. Mrs. Collins took mom in. She was bed-ridden all summer.

I had literally grown out of my job in the sewers. William and the boys threw me a party on my last night. I got real drunk for the first time. They had invited a girl named Maggie to keep me company. I thought she was ugly and she smelled. I passed out long before anything happened but anyone with half a brain can guess she got paid handsomely. Last thing I remember was William picking me up like a baby and carrying me to bed. He was smelly too, working all day and night in dirt, but it was okay. I really liked him a lot. He was my best friend and we shared everything. He told me about the woman he loved a long time ago and the man he killed for her and he taught me to shoot. He kept telling me to be nice to mom and always remember the good things about my parents. They sent him – an old man – to Alaska in January '58.

Nuka World opened a new park in May '58. I had worked my fingers bloody at Red Rocket to bring mom there. It was the Memorial Day after all and that Dry Rock Gulch kind of reminded her of home. We sat at a bar all day sipping Nuka Dark and talking about what a bastard dad used to be. Mom said she always wanted us to move West. When I was born she wanted to take me and leave and never come back. But dad was such a sweetheart when he was sober. Was he ever? I can't recall.

Mom died the next winter. I started fixing cars. Landed a job at the Corvega factory. The fusion technology was coming strong and I made friends with some of the eggheads in the research department. They needed Mentats and I got the connections. It worked like a charm – for a while. There was still something missing in my life, despite all the booze and parties. So when the times grew restless I applied for a job in the military. Didn't wanna get drafted against my will and they were seeking people in my line of work. Next thing I know, I'm in a cold warehouse in the ass end of Alaska working on the ultimate personal protection, the power armor. I was just a mechanic and the eggheads did all the real work, but I grew attached to my job. It gave my life a purpose. While I was working I didn't need to think about difficult stuff like feelings. I volunteered for testing when we had the first prototypes done. The feeling I got being inside one of those things... It was unique. It was like falling in love without all the weird human emotions.

That's how I became a soldier. I wanted to test MY power armor in combat. It was the first thing I ever felt passionate about. A lot of people told me I was too eager and would just get myself killed, and I took great pleasure in proving them wrong. We knew the Chinese would come and we were ready. I was ready.

Back then, most soldiers and commanding officers seemed to believe using power armor means just hopping inside and rolling off. With the newer models that may be the case, but we're talking about T-45d's here. Testing it without any combat skills was not easy. On the other hand, using it without the tiniest bit of basic mechanics knowledge wasn't easy either. You need a special training to get acquainted with it and chems like Buffout and the newcomer Psycho were essential in the progress. There were a few like me who had worked in the construction team and volunteered for testing. Within five years and extensive amount of training and research we became the first ever power armored unit to be deployed in Alaska. I could go days, even weeks without coming down from Psycho. I was told I didn't need it anymore since my body had adapted to using the power armor but hell, I always found a way to get my fix. It's a great feeling to be the strongest and the fastest, a true super soldier.

Still kind of left me feeling empty in the end of the day. I had hard time admitting it for the longest of times but in my new life I don't want to have regrets. I don't want to hide anymore.

I had friends who understood. Bullfrog missed his wife and baby daughter. They were his whole world. He died on our last mission in winter '73. His suit ran out of power on the worst possible moment. A squad of more progressed and mobile units was coming to his aid and they were all blown to smithereens. Every single man cooked alive inside his suit. Greg and Jones had family too. Greg and I... Well, we had sort of an intimate relationship. As far as anything is intimate when you live in an overcrowded barrack. We did our best to keep it secret. Even staged fights to make it look like we hated each other. Jones covered for us whenever he could. Greg's family had a small farm and we made some plans to live there together. Before he went MIA.

It hurt. He was out escorting a supply truck when it was hit. The driver made it out, barely, and told that he saw Greg straying off the convoy just minutes before the attack. I don't know if he just had enough and decided to walk away. Part of me hates him for that. Part of me wishes he had asked me to go with him. Part of me just wants to forget.

Jones was shipped over to China after some crazy asshole decided it would be a good idea. I was in hospital, didn't see him leave, never found out how he died. Hope it wasn't painful.

I was sent back home in spring '74. Another dead end called Sanctuary Hills. A perfect little house, a picture book neighborhood and a generous monthly paycheck. Corvega donated me a brand new car. I made visits, gave speeches, paid my respects. After a day full of this crap I went home to the house that was too clean, too proper and too silent, took 3 doses of Psycho and drank whiskey until I passed out. For the first four months I slept on the floor.

Then, one day about half a year after I moved in to Sanctuary Hills, I met Marty. He lived a couple houses away. Retired, single, good with words. Wouldn't call him handsome, more the rugged type. Looked like he didn't right belong to that prim and proper place. I was washing my car and drinking the pisswater Gwinnett Brew called beer. Marty showed up, offered me a drink of whiskey and help to get to know my neighbors. I fell for him the moment I saw him. Always had a weakness for older men I guess... He knew right away what kind of person I was. About my chem addiction, everything. He saw the hunger in my eyes.

When he invited me over I could barely contain myself. Feared he wouldn't feel the same way, drank way too much and way too fast. Just sitting next to him sent some serious shivers down my spine. And other places. When he leaned over to kiss me the first time it set my whole body on fire. I'm still burning. Over 200 years later.

He was the love of my life. Not the only man who had ever made my heart beat faster but certainly the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That chem dealer two houses away, Hawthorne, was a handsome bastard in his own right. Promised to get me Psycho and all. Desperate for attention, talented mouth. But only Marty would make me shiver every time I caught a glimpse of him limping around his garden. Dirty, unshaven. Garden hose in one hand, glass of whiskey in the other, wearing nothing but shorts and a bathrobe. The sound of his old man sandals on the concrete driveway. The stench of his breath after too many cheap cigarettes and years of neglecting personal hygiene. I still remember every single detail. Our love was filthy and fierce. I threw myself into it with every fiber of my body. We'd spend night after night in his root cellar, drinking, laughing, making love. Whiskey was his vice but he didn't mind me shooting Psycho and Med-X. When I was too high to think straight he could still tinker on his gun. His warm, wrinkly hands were strong and sure. He'd grab me when I passed out and hold me tight til the morning came. I'd soil myself in my sleep but he didn't mind being drenched in urine. He held me and never let go.

I gave him a key to my house. Often he'd come by in the early morning and wake me with a kiss in the neck. We'd sneak out through the garden and climb down the hill, sleeping Sanctuary behind us. By the river was our little hiding place, in chilly morning mist his strong hands pushed me to the ground. Pebbles dug into my back and my head would bang to a tree root every time he drove his huge bone ball deep up my ass. I never stopped wanting him and he was always ready to deliver. An old man, with so much vitality. So much to give.

And nothing good in this world lasts forever. All I wanted was to be with Marty. Instead I was forced to further serve my country – and the man signing my war hero paycheck – by marrying his rebellious daughter. Nora.

She had fallen for a Californian singer and actor who came to Boston with his theater group and her momma didn't like that one bit. Nora was supposed to marry a nice man, be a good wife, have children. Going out and having fun with a second class citizen wasn't going to float. Her momma made her daddy promise to find a suitable husband. How convenient that there was a war hero living nearby, a man in suitable age, in a suitable neighborhood. Yes. Me. I didn't have a say. It was either marry her or be disgraced and possible banished. That's how politicians work. I had no excuse for remaining publicly single and telling people about me and Marty just wasn't right. I suspect some people in Sanctuary knew. Hawthorne of course, and the Rosa widow. She had sharp wits. But it was in their best interest to remain silent. So I swallowed my pride and signed the agreement. And when I met Nora we actually had something in common. She too was hiding her true feelings. In a way that fake marriage saved us both. Gave us freedom to be ourselves.

There was no need for lies between me and her. She quickly became friends with Marty. She wouldn't mind if we hugged and kissed while she was present. I went to see Herbert's show with her and made sure they were not disturbed afterwards. It was no more the same though. We had to be cautious, more sensible. Marty had a hard time treating Nora respectfully. He hid it well and I know Herb felt the same way about me. Ripping apart two what-was-meant-to-be's and creating something unnatural was not easy for any of us.

The annexation of Canada was big in news. Herb had to return to California. Nora would cry for days and it soon got so much worse. She was pregnant with Herb's child. I had no choice but support her. We told her parents it was mine. They were overjoyed, Nora cried her eyes out and my arms started to look like pin cushions. Guess that was when Marty finally accepted her. It was too much even for him to see her suffer and we were all in the same boat, stuck in a loop with no way out.

Shaun was born in September 2076 and I regained some of my freedom. Nora was a happy mother. Her life had a meaning again. She befriended other young moms. At home she spent hours sewing clothes for her son, cooking delicious meals and baking cakes. All while I spent my time with Marty, still craving him, still enjoying every second I got to spend with him. Whether it was on my knees nurturing his man meat or on my back getting plowed like a fallow – or just drinking and talking. Being next to him. But he was getting old and no matter what I did Nora was driving us apart. I was becoming a caged animal, radiating madness. I saw Marty become distant every time I mentioned Nora or Shaun, and I could do nothing but numb the pain and keep pretending that one day things would change. When I returned home Nora smiled and welcomed me and her gentle voice ripped me to shreds.

Things did change. Now all is dust. Til the end I thought I'd eventually develop a bond to them. Nora and Shaun. But in the end all the little moments of happiness meant nothing. In the vault, when they thawed me just enough to witness her murder, when they ripped Shaun from her arms like fucking cowards, I didn't feel anything. That little family meant nothing to me. Like I was watching strangers and when I was finally released from that pod and saw her frozen, dead body all I could think of was _I'm free_.

 


	2. Oct 23, 2287 – Day 1

Codsworth is still here.

The world ends and the only thing left is a robot. What an irony. He asked too many questions I didn't want to answer. I turned him off. The silence. Making my head hurt. Nothing's left here. Nothing but decay. I walk through the empty houses, head back to the river and look uphill. The path I came down this morning. I clutch the 10mm pistol I found in the Vault. What a nightmare. Over 210 years passed overnight. In there time didn't exist.

I don't want to write about it. Bad enough to hear Codsworth ask what happened to ”the family”. Will have to re-program him as soon as I find a working terminal.

Walked past your house. It still stands. Don't know how long I stood there. Sun was shining from a different angle when I moved on. Pushed myself through the hedge, almost waited to see just a hole in the ground. But the root cellar was still there. Was scared to open the hatch. There were skeletons in some of the other houses, their clothes so badly decayed it was impossible to identify them. Only a handful of people made it to the Vault. Your root cellar was almost as we left it the previous night. The shelves, the small table and the oil lamp. Our makeshift bed. Your safe was unharmed.

Where did you go Marty? That morning when fire rained from the sky. Did you make it to the cellar in time? How long did you survive?

It's cold. I miss you.

 

 


	3. Oct 24, 2287 – Day 2

Bushes with dark blueish fruits behind Marty's house. Remind me of plums. Bigger, more chewy, tangy taste with a drop of sweetness. Not bad. Huge blue flowers behind the river and bright red ones at the waterline.

Codsworth had some purified water for me. He spied movement in one of the houses. Giant roaches – I mean giant, bigger than pigskin, and huge flies. Bloated flies, hence the name bloatfly. Coddy is actually for some use: giving me the names of ”new” wildlife and plants. New to me. Despite the fact he's spent all this time in Sanctuary he seems to know little about the rest of the world. He's clearly holding information from me. Could it be he doesn't trust me? Can bots feel that way?

I've started to actually realize the extent of this nightmare. Went back to the Vault entrance and picked up anything useful I could find. Like grandpa used to say, you can build anything from scrap. The old houses are full of useful things and Rosa's workbenches still stand. This place has been picked clean of any valuables. Can't find money or silverware. Well, money could be burned or simply reduced to dust. Whoever has been here though got a habit for stashing Nuka Cola bottlecaps. I've found a whole lot of them. Scavenging keeps me busy. Keeps the thoughts in bay. The could-have-been's.

Nuka Cola still tastes as disgusting as before. Nuka Dark was really the only one of the lot I could stand. None of that around. Gwinnett pisswater bottles, empty. Apparently that shit's still drinkable to some. I really need a fix.

Melons made it! And such prime examples.

A 10mm pistol in Hawthorne's house, tucked away behind the loose tile in his bathroom. How 'bout some Psycho? You were supposed to expand your repertoire, remember? The man was burned to ash two centuries ago and here I am questioning his empty house. His terminal security was a joke. No drugs in the safe. Feel disappointed, drained, uneasy. I can tinker with Cods here.

More of the roaches. They're nasty but make a good meal. Grill them until the shell pops, add salt and pepper. Beats the preserves. Made me feel slightly better too. Last night was just awful. Nightmares, woke up 5 times.

The Pip-Boy was a nice find. So much more than just a Geiger counter, tells me the time, keeps track on vitals, even has a map. Which is pretty useless. Things have changed too much.

Continued collecting scrap after lunch. Had Cods ”brainwashed”. His databanks had suffered some corruption but nothing that could explain why he's witholding information. I'm not that great in programming. Nora was the one to tinker with the bot. Made him run silly tasks. Deliver cookies to strangers, walk non-existing dogs... She even taught Cods to dance to entertain Shaun. I wiped them from his memory. Set him to ignore Marty in all conversations. It hurts too much. Thick fog rose while I was working.

Haven't been off Psycho this long ever since coming back from Alaska. As a war hero I had no trouble finding suppliers. Figured the Vault would have a good stock but nothing's there. When the security staff left they took everything they could find. Frozen people don't require medical care. Only a few stims and 3 doses Med-X near a scientist skeleton. Seems I'm gonna keep feeling like this for a while. It sucks. There's a chemistry workbench behind Hawthorne's house. I remember he had a locked garden shack there. Not a quantum chemist myself but maybe I can cook something up. The Pip-Boy can identify some substances. Just need recipes then. Hawthorne should've written them down... His ledger was a fun read. Bastard dared to call me a Neanderthal. If I'd known that when he was alive I'd have taught his candy ass a lesson to be remembered. Little fucker was so eager to blow me one every time I showed up for a purchase but when I grabbed his buttocks he yelled that that wasn't part of the deal.

Being angry feels good. Better than withering away in numbness. I have a lot to be angry about.

Ate half a melon in the evening. Sat outside after the fog cleared. Watched the sky darken and the stars come out. There are so many of them and they're so near. Sleeping in my old house tonight, Cods on guard duty.

 

 


	4. Oct 25, 2287 – Day 3

It's the moment just before the dawn. The world is grey and the air downright frosty. Hate the Vault suit but it's the warmest piece of clothing I have found.

The candles and turning on the radios in all these empty houses made the eternal nightly silence easier to bear. It's not just music, there's a person sharing news. There are people out there, further than Concord. Sounds like Boston survived. At least to some extent. People are rebuilding.

A new society will rise. It was your dream Marty, wasn't it? To begin again. A new hope for misguided humanity. A world where we could be free. No stuck up mayors calling for a favor we didn't know we owed them. No talk behind our backs, no hostility hidden in sweet words. No longer cleaning raw eggs from your house front. A world where we could fight back. Shoot at the brats throwing rocks, punch that bitch who gave you ”that look”. No arranged marriages and separated lovers. We wanted to roam this world together. Go wherever we wanted to. Live and love.

I'm alone now. I'd give anything to see you again. Feel your arms wrapped around me. I'm crying now Marty. Wish I had been with you that day. Dying together is better than living without you.

Another sunrise in a ruined world.

The man who shot Nora did me a huge favor. As much as I hate the thought of being alone, being here with her would've been thousand times worse. I can still begin again on my own. Find...someone.

Wipe my tears before Coddy sees them. Finish my breakfast – Salisbury Steak, can of purified water, a mudfruit. A little exploring today at the hills behind the Vault. Gonna pick some plants, maybe hunt. Heard dogs howling at night. The Pip-Boy spat out some basic chem recipes with Coddy's help. Some are clearly post-war and Cods was vague about their origin. Sounds like he plugged himself into a terminal on one of his journeys. Got instructions for something called Jet that should be easy to cook. Extract the substance from fertilizer and fill it into an empty inhaler. Also now know what I need to cook my own Psycho. I crave it so bad. Self brewed won't be as good as the real deal but I don't care. It's party night tonight if I can find the right plants. Hoping for a new set of clothes as well. I look ridiculous in this jumpsuit. From what I can tell looking at the broken mirror in my old bathroom my ass is huge. The cloth itself is warm and soft and well insulating but damn if it hugs my body tight. I feel trapped in it. And the bright blue color – not the best choice for trying to stay hidden.

The Pip-Boy has a radio! I can listen to Clueless Travis while exploring. The poor sucker sounds like someone's pointing a gun at his head.

Can't let myself become careless now. Picked my first Hub flowers. Didn't see them bugs in my excitement. What were they called again? Bloatflies, yes. Only two but they sprayed me with this disgusting sticky stuff. Smells acidic. Might be able to use for cooking more chems. Taking as much with me as I can fit into my duffle bag. Won't get far in one day anyway.

Spotted a shack at the hillside right underneath a cliff. Movement. Should've put together a makeshift camoflage cloak. I stick out like a sore thumb.

Can't believe my luck! These hostile junkies had a dose of sweet pre-war Psycho sitting around in their shack waiting to be found. Med-X too. Their guns and clothes were a nice bonus. Nothing worth wearing but scrap is scrap. Gunshots in East. A woman doing target practice on tin cans. She told me to back off from her stash. Killed her. Good stuff. It's been over two years since I fired a gun.

Wait.

It's been over 212 years since I fired a gun at a person. Marty and I did target practice, here in the woods. With his 5.7 pistol he bought off some shady guy in Lexington. After half a bottle whiskey Marty could still shoot straight. Admitted, I mostly stood around and watched him show off his skills. Shuffle around in his baggy jeans. When he lifted his arm to fire a shot I got a nice view on his tanned old man belly, a little fat, a lot of graying hair. He knew I watched and would not make a single unplanned movement.

Shake it off. Just shake it off. Let it go. Grab a bite, a sip of water, keep walking. Keep walking til you can't walk no more. Looking South over the lake. Ripples on the water. No wish to go and find out what it might be. Better avoid places like that until I get my hands on a decent rifle. No shit, the sun is setting already? Exactly how long did I stand next to that dead woman? Better head home before it's pitch black again.

In a hurry now. The old robot disposal had spare parts and a med kit. A combat sentry dumped there. Fully functional, not activated, comes with a holotape. Weird. Olivia satellites stand dark and tall in the rain. Shots fired in that direction. Avoid. Pale lights in the distance. Heard a generator buzzing at Thicket Excavations. Lucky to find shelter. The quarry is full of water. Man named Sully was camping right next to it, tinkering on the pump. He wants to drain the quarry. Looking for scrap but something's fishy about him. Shared his campfire and evening meal with me. Preserves and stale beer, a nice chat and a place to dry my gear. Sitting next to another man again is stirring up my gut. He lent me his sleeping bag and some spare clothes. Listened to him pee behind the trailer we slept in. Then he came in, kicked off his boots and laid down right next to me. Said he'd keep me warm since I got soaked so bad. This is a different world entirely. Before, only women and children would sleep like this. Men would rather freeze to death than seek another man to warm up at night. Unless... Well...

His warm back against mine. I tried not to move much to hide my aching boner. Finally fell asleep in early morning hours. Sun was high in the sky and Sully back at hammering the pump when I woke up.

 


	5. Oct 26, 2287 – Day 4

The sly bastard's journal revealed it all. He's ok in my book. Maybe I can join the gang once they get settled... It's clear enough, going to dive...

Could swear I heard something in there! No wonder Sully wasn't keen on doing this himself. I almost died in there, one of the valves was pretty deep. Should be ok now though. My clothes are dry. Vault suit proves itself again. Maybe I'll check Concord on my way back home, see if I can find those people Codsworth was talking about.

What the hell? GIANT FUCKING CRABS! Crawled out of the quarry right after the pump went on. We split the bounty. They had lots of good looking meat. The face is the soft spot. Sully gave some good tips for preparing them, I picked up my gear and left.

A camp of corpses near Concord. Damn roaches.

Oh come on! There's a full war going on in town. Guys with lasers. I'm going home and enjoying some of the Psycho I found. Should feel a lot better after that.

Getting used to killing all these weird insects. We dragged the cooking pot and chem workbench next to my house. Coddy's arms made the darndest of creaks and I had to refill his fuel afterwards but he seemed as happy to serve as always. A storm is brewing. Huge yellow clouds, moving fast, flashes and thunder and the Geiger went nuts. Came from South and lasted a while. Waited for it to clear in Marty's cellar. Finally cracked his safe and got my hands on his sweet sweet gun. Ammo too.

Had a nap down there. In the dream Marty was laying right next to me. I laid my head on his chest, listened him breathe and he was stroking my hair. He said Riley was coming to pick him up soon. I shouldn't be mad because he really had to go. That I should go with _him_. 'You know, the man with the gun.' I woke up sweaty and shaking.

When I crawled out to the open it was sunny again and Codsworth had removed more of the trash laying around. I went through the stuff I picked up yesterday. Got new clothes now, an armored coat. I look good! Afterwards I experimented a little with the chem station. I don't have too much Hub flower, only enough for two batches and the first one burned. One of the valuable glass bottles broke too. Second batch was a success but only enough for one syringe. I do better next time. This is gonna be amazing. Can't wait!

Wow! Just wow! The sunset never looked this good!

More tinkering in the evening. Put up a little sleeping corner in Shaun's room. Isn't as nice as Marty's place but easier to see threats coming and the air is fresher. And after that dream today I'm not sure I wanna sleep underground again. Wonder if Shaun is actually alive? Those people who took him had a genuine interest in him I recall. Who'd want a freaking pre-war baby in this world though? Maybe for experiments. I mean, the woman was wearing a protective suit with a gas mask and they had no interest in Nora. Some crazy scientist. Whatever. Not my headache anymore.

10:30pm, evening meal: purified water, mud fruits and some more toasted roach with Jet. Feel great, like starting a brand new life.

 


	6. Oct 27, 2287 – Day 5

The noise of rain, wind and Travis on the radio. Never gave so much notice to rain before but it's soothing. I stand at the large dried up tree at dawn, bathed by soft drops of rain, rad free. The dry ground sucks up all the moisture and water never pools anywhere. Heading South today.

Killed more bugs and two 2-headed deer. Fresh red meat! A large building in the distance, post-war. Hoping to find someone to trade with. This coat fits me like a glove. I look strong and intimidating, and it's warm. Even too warm today. The building is a farmhouse built under an old powerline. A fresh grave, funny 2-headed cows. 200 years of gamma radiation have played a prank on evolution. The cat looks normal though. Very docile.

People actually use all these bottlecaps as currency. In a weird way that makes sense. You can only get them from Nuka Cola bottles so the amount is limited and there's no inflation. Good that I kept all those I found. Traded what I can't use for ammo and chems. She didn't have much and they don't sell their produce at home. The man brings it to a market somewhere in Boston to get a better price. Their daughter hired me to pick their melons. The man asked if I was going to Olivia anytime soon. The raider gang holed up in there killed their older kid and stole a family heirloom. I'm not exactly into making favors but he's paying me and I have planned to visit that place anyway. Might as well look for a silver locket while there. They gave me directions and information about the area here. It's called The Commonwealth and the biggest city is Diamond City in Boston. The big green jewel. Some kind of oasis maybe, water and plants, rad free and the city restored to it's former glory. Maybe there are more people who were alive before the war. Maybe the nukes caused diamonds to form in the rock and people are mining them now.

I'm going there. For sure. But not yet. I'm not ready yet. It's a long walk and I'm still terrified by some beasts I run across.

Over to Red Rocket next. Picked up mudfruits and found a half buried chest full of good loot. A friendly dog and giant rats at RR. Hell of a fight. One bit me, damn it! The dog kept whining and pulling my clothes towards Concord. His owner in trouble. The guys in town were still at it. I tried to sneak closer to see what it was all about but the one with the laser spotted me from town hall balcony and begged for help. And that's how things got a little complicated.

There were settlers. Not the type I was hoping for but they're friendly enough. They sat in a trap and I helped them out cause I'm such a fucking saint. The suit of power armor was a nice bonus of course but these guys want to settle in Sanctuary cause the old gypsy woman had seen it in a vision. Agreed to let them live in those old houses. Maybe it'll liven up the place and it might be nice to have people around me again, as long as they stay out of my root cellar. There are three men and two women but one of the men and the old hag are basically just wasting away and the other woman kept trying to pick a fight the whole way back to Sanctuary. The dog was sort of traveling with them but has no owner. He followed me around all day.

Helped kill that monster that came out of the sewer. A Death Claw. Fitting name. It ripped everything apart and threw a couple raiders up in the air. It was real tough to kill, even with a minigun, and I was bruised and bloody inside the power armor. Not used to wearing it. Gon' need a good dose o' Psycho after this haul.

Painted it red with hot rod flames. Drew myself back to my quarters in Shaun's room and Dogmeat slept next to my bed.

 


	7. Oct 28, 2287 – Day 6

Already regret inviting these people over. Goddamn it! All the noise! They have no respect for other people's privacy and whine and bitch about everything. I really don't need this headache. Have to find a way to get rid of them.

No, not killing them. Well, I thought about it a while, but me against all 5 of them? Not gonna happen. And I'm not that kind of a person. Not murdering innocents just because they annoy me. Red Rocket is empty, I could move there and have my peace. These people need help though and I already promised. I've scrapped and salvaged a lot with Codsworth. The materials are there, we just need to build. Stuff like beds and turrets and a water purifier. I have no idea how to do that but Sturges does. He's got schematics for everything and has done it in every place they tried to settle in previously. I put Cods to work and we got a lot done in the morning. The womenfolk sewed blankets, planted some of the seeds I'd collected and helped with the easier tasks.

It was weird seeing them here, already moving about at dawn. At the lunchtime they were all busy with other stuff and I sat in my room, ate a squirrel on a stick, couple of mudfruits and finished the meal with Jet. Life is good!

Afternoon. Collecting more hubflower again. My footsteps sound awfully loud in the silent, dead forest.

Run in with more raiders. Their stuff now mine. One of them was awfully scarred like a burn victim. Most of her nose was missing. Another rad storm and no shelter. Your 5.7 saved my life again. Thanks Marty! Wish I could share this experience with you. Roam this new world, just the two of us. No responsibilities, no morals, no regrets. The ideal world really. I love it.

Almost out of RadAway. Olivia tomorrow?

Abundance of ugly dogs. Chewy and tough meat but filling. Visited Abernathy's to trade but only the melon girl was at home. And she had no melons to be picked. Tried to chat with her but she's just shy. Naive and dumber than a bag of hammers. Oh well, she's gonna be a perfect wife for some asshole with low standards. I was on a mood to be mean to her but then I saw her talk to her animals – the cat and the cow – and pet them and love them and I just walked away. Wondering what's going on with me lately. Why I feel the need to harm someone innocent and why I got so pissed off at Preston ”Flap my gums” Garvey. Shit. This world is messing me the fuck up.

Saw the old Drumlin Diner sign between trees and decided to head there. That thing has been there forever. Surprised it still stands. I remember it was there in my childhood. We never ate there. Almost all my friends had a chance to eat there at some point but we had no money. I wanted to. I walked by sometimes and drooled over the sweet rolls and pies. It no longer has neither. There was a trader named Trashcan Carla nearby and I bought all her RadAway. A compliment, a little pitch black lie, earned me a discount. She's jetting. A lot. Rad infested old hag.

Wolfgang was a chem dealer in trouble. Now he's MY chem dealer.

I stood there chatting with him until sun went down. I learned more about the new types of chems and how to cook them and that the results may vary. Raiders buy from him so he always has some Psycho in stock.

Got home way after midnight. Had a ribeye steak and that Bobrov's Best moonshine I found in a hollow tree stump. Good stuff! 'd like to meet this bobrow guy

 


	8. Oct 29, 2287 – Day 7

It's been a week. Feels longer. Woke up to a ”moo”.

These guys wanted my help building a radio beacon. Help more settlers find Sanctuary. Make it a real neighborhood again. Which isn't a bad thing. I guess.

Crafting ammo as a morning ritual. My hands shake. Olivia today, need to find more stuff to sell and buy chems or plants for cooking. Maybe check out the other place Preston told me about – not that I feel like helping them... Just wanna get Preston off my back, trade, recon.

Being frozen made my senses sharper. Too much radio makes my ears ache.

Found a crashed vertibird and another suit of power armor. Sadly out of juice. Met a whole bunch of these two-headed deer. A male fiercely guarding his flock. I've been out here a week and already hate the wildlife with passion. Lucky those deer bitches were more interested in grazing. Slipped past them easily.

Olivia. I remember this place. Full of assholes, then and now. Should've not come alone and it was a tough fight, me against 10 raiders, but they had Psycho and Buffout laying on every surface. When the freak with the flamethrower came out I didn't even feel the burn, just punched my fist through her skull. Had to leave some of the loot. Preston and his boys might wanna take some of the equipment. Afterwards I went back to Abernathy's and made them nurse me back to health. Free Stimpak and Med-X. They were so happy about getting that damn locket back they didn't think twice about it. If everyone in this world was like them... Oh boy that'd be life!

Back home Preston was all about the good deed I did, told me I'm the one the Minutemen need blah blah blah. Just leave me alone asshole. I don't owe this world shit. Hell, I went to Olivia solely for loot and ”helped” this family just because they paid me. Why's it so hard to understand? I've given this goddamn ruined piece of shit country more than your dumb ass could ever imagine. This country owes me. I have the right to take whatever the fuck I want.

At least he was smart enough to quit before I knocked his teeth out.

Why's he so obsessed about making me his saviour? He ain't got girlfriend or wife. He tryin to hit on me? Sorry kid, you're not my type.

 


	9. Oct 30, 2287 – Day 8

Got a collar for Dogmeat. Whoever he used to belong, my property now! Ha!

All day setting up more defenses and fixing up stuff. More people showed up. I miss the action. Something like killing the raiders yesterday. Or exploring. Anything. Moon's up. Pizen Bluff tomorrow. Hoping for enemies. Gotta do some power armor training too.

Hungry after all day doing nothing. All this noise... Exhausting. I got used to being alone. Didn't get used to the empty place in my bed. Meanwhile I don't care anymore who'd fill it. Just someone. Just for one night.

I miss my army buddies. I miss William. I miss Marty.

Damn, diggin too deep.

I MISS SOMEBODY

 


	10. Oct 31, 2287 – Day 9

Jet's good for sleeping. Cried like a baby last night. Better not let these people catch me off guard.

Ten Pines Bluff. This place is just a bluff. A fucking joke! These guys have NOTHING! How are they gon' pay me? Screw the minutemen, I'm not with them. Screw Preston. Damn prick sending me all this way. Met a trader. Dude only sells shitty leather armor. Overpriced as fuck. I'm outta here.

Shots fired in south.

I'm getting fucking paranoid. Hearing noises. Wish I had a sniper rifle. These new Commonwealth weapons are the very picture of crude and ineffective.

Stuck in the middle of nowhere scared as fuck. Not what I planned. Wrecked train wagon be my new home til the drugs hit home. ...gotta up my dose

Mix with MedX?

Yup. A sortiment of Jet, MedX and Psycho later: still stuck in this shithole. Those Tempine assholes said something about a raider gang at Corvega. Hello, I know that place like the back of my goddamn hand. They'll have 0 chance. Suspect good loot. Still not going alone. Or until I find another fusion core. Bet there's more than raiders in Lexington. Seen the bugs and animals... Rads must've done something to humans too. So far I've only seen normal people except the scarred one. This world is full of madness. It's done something to the humans and I'm yet to discover out what.

I got my gun. I shouldn't be scared like a little girl. Damn it! Wish I'd taken Codsworth with me...

Oh sweet baby Jesus. Fucking zombies. What the fuck? What am I seeing? These things ran at me, look and smell dead but move and tried to rip me to pieces with their claws. This is so fucked up I have no words.

Maybe it's some kind of a creepy disease. Zombies ain't real. Maybe this is what rads do to people? Goddamn I should've died in the vault with all those other poor suckers.

This is all that's left of Bedford Station. Fucking zombies. They died, sort of, when hit by bullets. The smell is terrible. Hope they stay dead. I'm shaking, need a place to rest. Found an odd marking on a wall inside a trailer. Some good loot next to it.

 


	11. Nov 1, 2287 – Day 10

Spent the night in the trailer, sleeping surprisingly peacefully next to a skeleton. Mutt chops, a warm Nuka and MedX for breakfast. 4 doses left. Gotta find more. Corvega was all lit last night. It's cold and misty and damn I miss that vault suit and just being warm. A proper house. Central heating.

Happy to see Starlight Drive-in. Med-X makes me feel good. Like good sex would. Last night was...not good. I thought about Marty again. I think about him every night, just don't feel like writing about it. Those memories are too precious to put on these scraps of paper. He's in my heart forever. Words disappear but sacred moments stay. I peed my pants while asleep. Grown man wetting the bed. Jesus. It still keeps on happening when I pass out. Why would I care about the smell anymore though? Everything here smells like shit anyway. Every person I meet too. Like they never wipe their asses. Soap and Abraxo are around but maybe they just don't give a crap anymore.

The diner was booby trapped. Giants rats around. I've got an itchy trigger finger today. Blew up all the cars in the process of eradicating those beasts. Afterwards I climbed to the projector room for a quick snack & wank. This might be a good place for a safehouse.

Good trade with Wolfgang. Apparently the beasts at Starlight are called mole rats and the zombies feral ghouls (and there are non-feral ones who are basically like normal people, just smelly and scarred by rads). Ghoul. What a fitting name.

About the smell... I find Wolfgang smelling nice. Chems and dirt but not like rotten shit y'know. I like to be around him. He's making me horny. But all I do is hang around for a chat. Saw him flirt with the female bodyguard. Damn if I knew I had any chances I'd ask to blow him. Just once. The craving for a cock in my mouth is so bad I'd do it with anyone.

Found an old outpost near Wolfgang's place. One active Eye bot stuck in diagnostic subroutine, a dead Gutsy and bubblegum. Chewing it on my walk back home. It doesn't feel like home anymore though. Too many of these wretched people trying to rely on Preston's crew. Bunch of freeloaders.

I'm getting better at cooking and brewing despite the lack of ingredients. Used most of the afternoon tinkering on a metal chest armor I found, then a quick trip to Concord for fresh air and less noise.

”Pickman was here – find me if you dare.”

Sounds like a fun game someone's playing with dead raiders. I stood there like an idiot staring at the bodies – they were still warm – and imagined those men alive, capturing and raping me. A crow scared me. Went back home, took a naked nap in my room. Getting so horny I might burst and die. Thought about the raiders and fingered myself. Gonna sleep in the root cellar tonight. Just me, my hand and my thoughts and memories.

Nightmares. Sand raining on me. Felt like a hundred people running above me. Was the town attacked? Did I scream?

Dreamed about not getting out of the vault. It was cold and dark. The door wouldn't open and I kept banging on the red button. The dead people inside woke up and walked towards me claws stretched. Nora was among them. Found myself whimpering and pleading Marty to help me.

Sat there with his gun on my lap for a long time, staring at the oil lamp's dancing flame. All the memories came back. A weaker man would put a bullet to his head.

Guess I'm just too stubborn. Shot of Psycho washed down with Jet. Looking at my arms in the low light, wondering what it is that Preston sees in me. I'm a goddamn addict. Everyone can see it written all over my body. My arms are like pin cushions and I haven't seen a sober day since I started to cook my own chems. I want to show Preston what it is like to fall for a man like me. I want to make him suffer. No he doesn't deserve it but I didn't deserve to lose the man I loved. I don't deserve to be here alone, suffering every day. He's offering himself to me. There's a price to pay for being a fucking tease.

Ate cram and Nuka. Tried to remember how Marty's touch felt like but nothing came. Tried to imagine the raiders too. Maybe I tried too hard. Oh I definitely tried too hard. Hurt my fucking dick and then it flashed through my mind: the face of the man who killed Nora. I saw his smile and the gun in his hand. He looked at me and smiled and said those words I never fully understood, about the backup.

I came into my pants. Not even a chance to pull out and do it on the floor. I reek of piss and cum. Licked my fingers. Salt. Better than preserves. Should stop thinking right here.

...is he lonely too? Does he have a girl? My body's aching. Shot a second huge load all over myself. Ate most of it with guilty pleasure. It's not cheating. You died a long time ago, Marty.

 


	12. Nov 2, 2287 – Day 11

It's raining.

People stared when I smashed a window. Psycho didn't feel good this morning. I didn't feel like doing anything but headed down to Lexington anyway. Splitting headache.

Wind roaring in Corvega pipes. Town seems quiet but could be crawling with all kinds of hostile creepy things. Walked on top of a small hill, far enough to see more rain and fog. Fires in south, going back home. Yet another night in the root cellar. Occurs to me I might be suffering from PTSD or depression. The war isn't that long ago for me. Being frozen fucked me up good. Did some Jet and Medx to help with the headache. In need of a long sleep. Not gonna do shit until I feel better. Preston and those Tenpen bitches can go fuck them selfes.

Woken by nightmares again. The one about the vault but nobody else was inside except me, locked in and dying. Then the one I last had in Anchorage, shortly before Greg went MIA: I stand at a cliff facing the ocean, vast, cold, silent. I take a step and fall down but what I feel is not fear. Only freedom. Hope. Peace.

The dream is beautiful but I always wake up in cold sweat. I never understood why it was a nightmare. Why I felt so incredibly good while dreaming but waking up destroyed it. I thought I was happy with Greg. The dream disappeared once I met Marty. And now it's back. I'm a mess.

Took more Jet to calm down. Tomorrow's gonna be another shitty day if I can't sleep.

Should I really jump into that ocean or what? I don't want to give up Marty, but I can't be alone. I can't handle it. I want someone. Like the man in the vault. Evil creation of this new world, built to destroy. I lay on the filthy mattress, a beer bottle halfway up my ass, cold chills running down my spine as I imagine how his hands would feel like on my body.

 


	13. Nov 3, 2287 – Day 12

Literally soiled myself. Woke up drenched in pee (again), with a class A boner. I'm positive I shat myself too at some point during the night. This is it. I'm moving out. Sanctuary is crowded with idiots and I don't want them walking in on me.

Packed my stuff after breakfast and moved over to the Red Rocket on the other side of the river. Took Codsworth with me to help settle down. They don't need him at Sanctuary anymore. I'll have him accompany me while out exploring. Maybe he'll spit out more useful information. No way in hell I'm going to change his programming back to what it was. That might loosen up his tongue but I can't take it to listen him yap about Nora and Shaun. Or Marty. He seems confused and kept saying he's ”forgotten something important” while working today. Even stopped and stared over towards Sanctuary once or twice.

I should propably improve my hacking skills. Or ask Sturges if he'd do it? Want to know what he's hiding.

Other than that, just taking it easy today. Enjoy the peace and quiet. This place is perfect. Close enough to Sanctuary to go snatch some food and water whenever I need it but none of the idiots ever wander over here. Sturges sometimes uses the workbench if he wants to be left alone but he was fine with me living here, so...

 


	14. Nov 4, 2287 – Day 13

Ow, I'm sore. Didn't realize I pushed myself too far with all the building and tinkering. I don't get tired when high. All out of Buffout. Staying home today. It started to rain. All my stuff is wet. Cods continues to clean up and scrap things. Even dry leaves! Bots... Doing useless work. I'm never gonna grow stuff here, the soil is too hard for a garden and I'm not gonna haul all those chopped leaves over to Sanctuary! Hell no!

Cold. Freezing all the time. My old house at least got warmed by sun during the day. I need a fireplace to warm up and some more clothes. To sleep in. And to use while I wash the ones I'm wearing now. I don't wanna describe the state of my underwear. Just sayin it's nasty down there.

Laughed out loud while writing that down. God I'm disgusting! At this rate I'm gonna strip the next dead raider I run across! Where DO people get their clothes anyway? Trashy Carla had nothing last time and the dude at Tempin's bluff neither. They don't ACTUALLY pick them from the dead, do they? Ugh. No wonder these guys all smell.

The weather cleared in the afternoon and we set up a fireplace and makeshift roof over it. Coddy's arms are awesome. Tonight I'm gon' pass out on whiskey.

 


	15. Nov 5, 2287 – Day 14

Sunny, but cold. Sturges came over in the morning to help with the old generator. Winter is coming.

I watched him work. Handed him tools. Savoured the view. He's got a piece of ass on him. Not wearing anything under those coveralls – saw that _thing_ dangling in there when he scratched his nuts. A fucking monster cock. Instant boner for me. And then trying to hide it.

He must get lonely sometimes. With Preston always pushing him around. Or maybe he likes it that way? Damn these thoughts. Asked him to stay for a drink but he had more work to do back home.

Sat in my ”living room”, lonely wank with Jet. That stuff is bad for my lungs.

Decided to walk over later to see if they need anything. Okay I just want to see Sturges. Watch his pants get tight in all the right spots when he crouches to fix a loose screw. He works hard. He's earned a drink after all the shit Preston puts him through. I'd spike his drink with chems and make a move, y'know, ask if he has a girl he likes or a wife who passed and hug him and touch his hair and brush my hand over his cheek and the beard stubble.

Is it my fault he's the best looking guy around? Jun and Preston are spineless wimps. Wolfgang would likely kill me if I tried anything. But I got this feeling that Sturgie would actually let me help him release some pressure. It might be a fake feeling. I'm too horned to think straight anymore.

Think straight. Ahaha. God it's cold here.

 


	16. Nov 6, 2287 – Day 15

Becoming more adjusted to my new diet. In a way that I'm not constantly dying of hunger or craving stuff that doesn't exist anymore. I get all I need to survive and, well, figured out a way to fix the terrible craving for salt. Not sure if it wasn't- Oh fuck. It was. I'm dumb. So I wasn't really craving salt after all. Just wanted to have cum in my mouth. Grinning like an idiot right now.

Leaving early with Cods. Got stir-crazy sitting on my ass all day. Scavving and recon is much better. Really pleased at what I put together at RR. Found crates of neon signs and shop decoration and two boxes of preserves. Will do some wiring if I get help again from Sturges. I'm almost ashamed to ask. Not sure if he likes to hang out with me so much. It might be awkward or annoying to him. Pretty obvious I'm checking him out. And I've not shown any interest towards women all this time we've known each other. I've lost all decency.

Packed a bottle of whiskey. Last shot of MedX last night. I'm totally hooked to that stuff now...

Rooting through Concord. There's still so much useful stuff. A dose of Psycho in a dead soldier's room! And then the jackpot: skeleton chilling with a mannequin, Day Tripper and Xcel – this is the GOOD stuff! Jared HAPPY! Jared tripping tonight

The raiders were back at the town hall. How do they recruit new members when they're hostile towards everyone? But dead raiders don't need their drugs anymore and Jared scores again! Last stop: Wolfgang. Had enough caps to buy all his MedX. 3 doses. Painful to think about hunting for it again tomorrow.

It's getting late, I'm heading home. Too bad I can't get far in one day. Keep hearing about nicer and more interesting locations but no way I can get there without a half-way stash somewhere. There's this Diamond City in Boston. A settlement built into the old Fenway park. Oh my. That's why they call it ”diamond” city. And they call it the ”green jewel” because it's color. No paradise, no riches and definitely no actual diamonds. I tried not to laugh too much. This place is crazy. But it's their home, not mine. Not willing to take a bullet for mocking somebody's home. Also Goodneighbor has people living in it. Sounds like my kind of place from what people tell. Maybe I could find...company there?

After leaving Drumlin we got jumped by raiders. They must have a camp nearby. Another jackpot because one of them was carrying a P90, best gun in existence. Named him ”Fuck Buddy”. Ha ha ha.

Day ends with chems and rubbing my dick thinking dirty dirty thoughts. My clothes are filthy. It's way too cold to get naked anymore, don't wanna freeze my dick off and just cum inside my pants. Still no new underwear. This one is...scratchy. I. Need. A. Man.

 


	17. Nov 7, 2287 – Day 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A more graphic sexual fantasy in this chapter. It's not supposed to be realistic. =_=

Frozen mud fruits for breakfast. Felt like crying and left Cods home, heading back to Sanctuary first. Early morning frost on the creaking bridge and I feel empty. Saying goodbye to Marty today. I have to move on. Yesterday was a good day, loot and chems and all that. It's not enough when I can't share this life with anyone.

Preston bugged me about Corvega right away. Lazy bastard. Why won't you go yourself if it matters that much? Sturgie was by the river checking out some river monster Momma Murphy said was coming soon. Gee I don't get why they keep listening to her. One time she gets lucky predicting a deadth claw that was likely gonna come out anyway, and they think she's a saint.

We had a chat about him coming over to my place to get away from the ”let's kick some minuteman ass” situation they have (because Preston's lazy ass ordering everyone around and doing nothing himself). He kept saying Preston relies on him. Got him to agree to some R&R anyway. Bragged about the ton of good stuff I just scavved and all the booze. Hehe. Kind of crept closer to him and patted his back – God the man has some serious tensions in his shoulders – and said if he's ever lonely and needs a friend I'm just over the bridge and Codsworth has an off switch. Not sure if he didn't get my hint or if he just acted dumb to get rid of me. Admitted, I crossed all possible lines. Out of desperation.

I'll try and find a working radiator, not just for my nightly comfort but for him not to freeze his balls off after I strip him naked when he passes out on that spiked bourbon... Well I'm not gonna push it if he doesn't want it. I just want sex, no dating. Even with all the new guys he's still the best looking one in Sanctuary. Raiders are my type and they're in top shape and love chems too but they always try to kill me. Why? Maybe I should start my own gang.

Went to see my old house after leaving Sturges. Picked up some stuff I forgot. Said hi to Dogmeat. Said goodbye to Marty's house. I don't wanna write about it. I don't wanna cry anymore.

Met hostile bugs on my way back and they sprayed my eyes. Now I'm horny and blind. Not really like I'd want sex. Just feel shitty with a boner that won't go away. Don't wanna leave this place, don't wanna stay. Bored. Shut Cods off. I wouldn't want even a robot to see me in this depraved state. Shot Medx into a bad spot and it swelled. I'm not healthy. Headaches. I'm pale, feel dizzy. So I'm leaving. This place is killing me slowly. If I can't get clean soon... Have to find a doctor.

Found myself thinking about _that man_ again. Does he like it a little rough too? We'd fight with fists and knives, I cut him, he cuts me. He's got that crazy, possessed look in his eyes. We're both high on Psycho and Buffout. He's stronger and pins me to the floor, laughing. I feel his cock pressing against mine. He wants to know if I want it the easy way or the hard way and I pick the latter. He has a massive cock, bigger than his gun and much bigger than mine. This the Boss Man after all. He shoves his dripping cock into my mouth and won't mind some teeth. I taste dust, fallout, blood – his distinctive pheromones that take control of my mind. His cock is filling my throat and I'm forced to open up and give him full access. I can't resist his smell and his commanding tone and he can make me cum with just a word. When he tells me to suck I do so like my life depended on pleasing him. My mind is blown when he cums into my mouth and down my throat. Maybe it's because I stopped breathing minutes ago but I feel light-headed, in love. And he's smiling at me as if he felt the same. I reach out to stroke the scar on his face and he grabs my wrist. Bet he could snap it like a twig if he wanted to. I swallow every drop of his delicious gift, not wanting to let go when he pulls out. But he's still hard. He's going to fuck my ass bloody with that giant thing, and I cum into my pants, don't know how many times. I want him to take me, rape me, violate me. I want to give him everything. His very presence makes me gasp, or maybe it's because he grabbed my nuts and dug his fingernails into them. This is all I need. He is all I want. I can stay with him. Travel the wastes with him. Kill, maim, burn.

Wonder if he'd feel the same. Wonder what he'd say if I told him how I feel. Would he just laugh and shoot me dead?

I came, what? Three times? Afterwards I cried. Took more chems to numb the pain in my soul. Cowered on my dirty bed thinking about ending my pathetic life.

 


End file.
